Many managers find giving redirecting feedback daunting. What if the other person has a strong reaction or gets defensive — or grows resentful and never changes?
Those responses can happen, even to
great leaders. But don’t let that possibility
make you afraid to give tough feedback.
Instead, think of feedback as a gift you give
because you genuinely want your direct
reports to succeed. With this generosity
mindset, your critique isn’t something
punitive that you do to the person — it’s a constructive conversation you have with the person about something you both want: their progress.
In addition to delivering the feedback well, try using phrases like these throughout the process to convey that you are a caring and invested partner — and to increase your chances that the other person takes your feedback to heart.
1. “How are things going with … ?”
You have your own idea about a specific behavior that needs to change, but what about how the other person sees the situation? Maybe they have a different view or information that would change your perception. If you plow ahead with your message without understanding the full picture, you may give feedback that’s off-base or cause them to resent you — or both.
When you start with curiosity and ask for the other person’s perspective, you can calibrate your feedback and give it with confidence. For example, let’s say you’ve noticed a direct report’s negativity about project X, and a colleague has also complained to you about the person’s attitude. You may start your conversation with:
You: “How are things going with project X?”
Direct report: “Honestly, it’s been frustrating. It’s not really clear what our goal is for the project.”
Instead of leading with your feedback about the person’s attitude, which likely would have compounded their frustration and alienated them from you, you’ve asked for their view of the situation and uncovered the possible root of the issue. This doesn’t mean that you are off the hook for addressing the person’s negativity, but it does mean that you can do so more constructively:
You: “Thanks for letting me know that. I’ve noticed your frustration, like in yesterday’s team meeting where you were pretty negative about people’s ideas for X, which seemed to drain the group’s enthusiasm. First, let’s discuss the project goal, so you have some clarity. Then, I’d like to talk through how you approach things when you feel frustrated.”
2. “It’s my job to help you succeed.”
It literally is your job to help your direct report be successful in their role. Explicitly stating that can help calm nerves for both you and your direct report and clarify for them that you’re speaking up because you want them to succeed — not because you want them to feel bad.
Tailor your message to the person and situation:
“It’s my role to help you make progress.”
“I believe in you and want to you to succeed, so I want you to know when I notice something getting in the way.”
Emphasize your spirit of partnership (e.g., “I want to be your biggest ally in helping you reach your goals”), but don’t soften or backtrack on your feedback in an attempt to be friendly or likable. You’re still the boss.
3. “This is important because …”
When you’re worried about hurting someone’s feelings with redirecting feedback, you might sugarcoat the message or neglect to explain why you’re giving it. Either can leave them seeing your feedback as inconsequential or not something to take seriously. Instead, be explicit with the person about why you are giving the feedback by
saying, “This is important because…” Hint: If it’s hard for you to fill in the “why,” stop and consider whether it is appropriate to give the feedback at all.
Your feedback should be about something central to the person’s role or the team’s success. Examples:
“This is important because I see how hard you work, and I want to ensure that others see that, too. Missing a meeting without explanation calls your work ethic into question, which neither of us wants to happen.”
“This is important because project X is our team’s biggest and toughest initiative. When you shoot down people’s ideas before we’ve fully considered them, they stop contributing — and we need everyone’s best ideas and enthusiasm in order for our team to succeed.”
4. “Let’s talk through some ideas for moving forward.”
“What’s already happened — the past — is where blame lies,” says communication expert Jay Heinrichs. “But the future is where we make choices and where things get done.” When you shift the conversation to the future, you show that you’re not interested in rubbing their nose in what went wrong — after all, mistakes happen, and nobody’s perfect. You’re interested in solutions for next time.
And by focusing the discussion on ideas for the future, you’re signaling that your direct report is not alone in figuring out how to fix things. You’ll be there along the way as their partner to talk through possibilities, give input to help them narrow in on what to do differently, and celebrate with them when they succeed.
Caveat: Not everyone will be ready to talk through solutions in the moment, especially if they are having a hard time processing the feedback or reacting emotionally. In those cases, don’t rush it. You might say, “I’m very interested in talking through ideas for moving forward. How about you think through some possibilities and we reconnect tomorrow to discuss them? I know that together we can come up with a good plan.”
